Saturday, March 19, 2016

Thrifting: Majestic Moss Deer Thing

My quest to find the ugliest, strangest, most befuddling item for sale in the thrift store has landed me this thing. That's right, for the low, low price of $3.50 (it was $5, but I talked them down), I am now the proud owner of whatever the hell this thing is. Seriously, what is it? It's made of foam and covered in moss that won't stop falling off everywhere. And I hope using my washing machine as scale was helpful, but in case it wasn't, this thing measures 17” high X 17” long. It's huge. Way bigger than necessary... for whatever it's meant to achieve. You know, since I don't know what's it's actually for, I guess I really can't say it's too big for the job. For all I know it's horribly undersized for the task.

I'm not even sure what animal it's supposed to represent. I'll hazard it's a ruminant of some kind, even go so far as to specify a type of deer since the tail's too short to be a horse's. There's two holes in the head where presumably antlers are meant to be inserted, but those antlers were not with the item at the shop, and so it's impossible for me to definitively ID this animal. And yeah, the antlers were missing and they still priced it at $5!

My god though, doesn't that thing look magnificent! Even with it's hideously deformed limbs distended out of proportion (not an effect of the camera lens) it looks ready to fucking own any mantle or display cabinet you adorn with it. Maybe the protuberances missing from it's head are actually twin unicorn horns and it's actually the type of mythical beast of legend 12 year old girls fill notebooks with.

I tried looking this thing up because I was curious what it originally retailed for (I'mma ballpark $12.99), but according to the internet either my search terms suck or this thing doesn't exist. So I'm on my own to figure it out. I'm going to guess, being that it's made of foam and covered in moss, that it's intended as a sort of scaffold for polyester flowers and/or vines for making your own floral arrangements. So while you're poking things into it you can channel the artificial nature your connection with actual nature has slowly been replaced with. Now you can meditate by anointing your very own polystyrene power animal with manufactured flora.

It just so happens I have a bit of manufactured flora laying around. Let's give it a go:

Sticking things to it was zen and all. Though to be honest, I'm not really sure this has helped me achieve inner peace, or outer peace, or made me feel any better about children starving in Africa or Angry Bad Hair Man being taken seriously as a candidate for political office of any kind. I did get moss everywhere though. Seriously, you look at it wrong and it drops pieces of itself like it's a defense mechanism. So I can look forward to even more zen when I clean it up.

What am I going to do with it now? Well, since it came pretty jam-packed with dust and I can only expect it to gather more, I think putting it away and bringing it out for special occasions is the way to go. Or I can donate it back to the thrift store I got it from. I'm sure they miss it.

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